1. When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
2. Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut Up.'
3. I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
4. Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.
5. I've never been drunk, but often I've been over served.
6. The road to success is always under construction.
7. I say no to drugs--they just don't listen!
8. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
9. Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of your time.
10. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
11. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
12. Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up to.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The hardest part of skating is the ice.
16. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
17. If our constitution allows us free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a park bench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure.
19. Beat the rush: leave work at !
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden top at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass.(Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers)
24. Someday is not a day of the week
25. The trouble with being punctual is that there's no one there to appreciate it.
26. Everyone has a photographic memory; some people just don't have film.
Source & author Unknown